Thursday, November 6, 2014

I will never write romance

Or new adult, as they are called today. Or erotica. Or anything containing phrases like: "I wasn't living before you came" or "before you came, I wasn't feeling alive."

A fellow author asked me to beta read her erotic novel. I'm on the 7th page and I want to die. Seriously, kill me please and end this torture. Even though I fear I might sound like an elitist I still can't help ranting a bit. Romance is not my genre, and I wonder if most of them go like this: I saw his curved body come out of the swimming pool, the water drops glistening across his washboard abs (no idea what that means), his long, wet, golden hair sticking to his temples, his perfect chiseled jaw covered with a stubble alluring me to lick it with my desirous tongue.
Oh, boy. No, this is not my genre. Never will be. On the second page they feel the electricity already (how do you feel the electricity? And shouldn't it be painful?). On the third page she wants to feel his strong arms, he wants to make her moan with pleasure. On the 4th page his arrogance makes a cameo. On the 5th page she says no, you arrogant bastard, while thinking, Oh, yes, oh, please! On the 6th page they kiss and twine into each other, she tries to resist, but he's soooo irresistible.

And then. . . I don't know, haven't read the rest yet. I don't want to upset a fellow author and tell her I can't finish her book, I know not through hearsay how hard it is to write a full-length novel (not that short stories are easier to write), but my eyes, MY EYEEES

And I was so enthusiastic at the beginning. I remember thinking why not, this might be a good idea, and I can do this once a week, provide comments to fellow newbie authors and help them with their undertakings.
  
NO! NEVER AGAIN!

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind romance in books, characters falling in and out of love, but when love and sex are on every other page, and the plot is nonexistent, the book stops being interesting. Give me Gillian Flynn or John Grisham any day of the week, but please spare me his chiseled abs and the musky smell of his skin. Nothing against the genre or those who love it, but this is so not my type of book that I couldn't help ranting a bit. And where else could I rant if not on my blog? :)

And I just googled washboard abs. I was seriously expecting something like this:

It was a bit different though. Just a bit. 

But then, I learned a new term today, although I'm probably never going to use it in my entire career. Ha-ha-ha!!!

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