I will never write romance

Or new adult, as they are called today. Or erotica. Or anything containing phrases like: "I wasn't living before you came" or "before you came, I wasn't feeling alive."

A fellow author asked me to beta read her erotic novel. I'm on the 7th page and I want to die. Seriously, kill me please and end this torture. Even though I fear I might sound like an elitist I still can't help ranting a bit. Romance is not my genre, and I wonder if most of them go like this: I saw his curved body come out of the swimming pool, the water drops glistening across his washboard abs (no idea what that means), his long, wet, golden hair sticking to his temples, his perfect chiseled jaw covered with a stubble alluring me to lick it with my desirous tongue.

Oh, boy. No, this is not my genre. Never will be. On the second page they feel the electricity already (how do you feel the electricity? And shouldn't it be painful?). On the third page she wants to feel his strong arms, he wants to make her moan with pleasure. On the 4th page his arrogance makes a cameo. On the 5th page she says no, you arrogant bastard, while thinking, Oh, yes, oh, please! On the 6th page they kiss and twine into each other, she tries to resist, but he's soooo irresistible.

And then. . . I don't know, haven't read the rest yet. I don't want to upset a fellow author and tell her I can't finish her book, I know not through hearsay how hard it is to write a full-length novel (not that short stories are easier to write), but my eyes, MY EYEEES! 

And I was so enthusiastic at the beginning. I remember thinking why not, this might be a good idea, and I can do this once a week, provide comments to fellow newbie authors and help them with their undertakings.

  

NO! NEVER AGAIN!

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind romance in books, characters falling in and out of love, but when love and sex are on every other page, and the plot is nonexistent, the book stops being interesting. Give me Gillian Flynn or John Grisham any day of the week, but please spare me his chiseled abs and the musky smell of his skin. Nothing against the genre or those who love it, but this is so not my type of book that I couldn't help ranting a bit. And where else could I rant if not on my blog? :)

And I just googled washboard abs. I was seriously expecting something like this:

It was a bit different though. Just a bit. 

But then, I learned a new term today, although I'm probably never going to use it in my entire career. Ha-ha-ha!!!

Stephen King: The Rolling Stone Interview

In case you have missed this, Stephen King is interviewed by The Rolling Stone. He talks about his career, religion, money, and writing. It's always interesting to learn more about the King of Horror. Glad to see King agrees with me that The Tommyknockers is terrible, as well as The Dreamcatcher. I remember being bored out of my mind with these books. So bored that I began skipping pages--something I had never done before. But despite that, the ending of The Tommyknockers was awesome. I'm talking about the last 2-3 sentences, where--SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS--Gard is lying in the pool of his own blood and the flying saucer is hovering farther into the space, taking him into the unknown and the unexplored. And still, I'm not going to say that those 600+ pages were worth it. What I'm going to say is that The Tommyknockers were ten times better than the The Dreamcatcher. If The Tommyknockers were reminiscent of the Invasion of the Body Snatchers, then The Dreamcatcher was a more perverted type of the Alien. Turns out there can be something worse than aliens bursting out of your chest while you're alive, and that is when aliens burst out of your butt while you're alive. I thought maybe the movie adaptation would be better, but can you keep a serious face when Morgan Freeman's eyebrows look like this?

 

Yeah, neither could I.

Oh, and The Tommyknockers and The Dreamcatcher are not King's only bad books. I am on the 900th page of Under the Dome, and I can't remember a time when I had to struggle so much to finish a book. I don't even know if it's a thriller, a sci-fi, or just Santa-Barbara TV series. But I can swear with my life it's not scary. And not even thrilling. It's just a bunch of guys under the dome being nasty to each other, good guys doing idiotic things, bad guys failing to spread menace. 

So why am I still reading King? Oh, right, I need to learn to write in English. I meant to say to write well.

45 ways to avoid using the word 'very'

In case you have missed this wonderful post by writerswrite.co.za, here's the link: 45 ways to avoid using the word 'very'.

I hate the word 'very.' I try to avoid it at all costs. It cheapens the sentence and most of the time is useless. Never rely on 'very' for expressing a character's emotion. Find a word that is expressive by itself.

In my recent 107.000 word novel the word 'very' appears 70 times. After the final edit I will get rid of at least the half. No, I will get rid of 60 veries. Get rid of them. Clean up your MS, your readers will be very happy.

photo © Amanda Patterson

Matt Corby

Why oh why I hadn't heard of this singer before? What an amazing experience I had been missing! Thank you, internet. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Funny story: I learned about Matt Corby from an article about. . . man buns! At least you heard of him from my blog :-P 

Enjoy!

Eliza Graves

As I had previously said, I was planning to watch Eliza Graves on Halloween. I am so pleased with my choice. It was great! Really great! It had been a while since I had enjoyed a movie so much. Suspenseful, thrilling, with great costumes and decorations. I loved everything about it. 

And what an outstanding cast! Michael Caine, Ben Kinglsey, David Thewlis, Kate Beckinsale. And I totally loved the way Jim Sturgess looked in the movie. Always considered mustache to be creepy, but Jim Sturgess wasn't creepy at all. On the contrary, I'd say that he looked vulnerable and confused. Well, who wouldn't be confused to appear in an asylum where the stuff behaves like a group of demented loonies, and where the superintendent encourages the sick illusions of his patients.

There were some good twists in the movie, and sadly, the trailer gives away one of them, but it didn't make the movie less entertaining or suspenseful. And the twist in the end! I hadn't seen that one coming. What a surprise it was! No, I won't spoil it. You'll have to watch yourselves.

The movie did have its weak points and slow moments, but what movie doesn't? I absolutely loved the Gothic atmosphere. The devices used in a Victorian era asylum were bone-chilling, the lack of knowledge of human nature catastrophic in its consequences.

Overall, it was a great movie. But how else? It's based on Edgar Allan Poe's short story, it was doomed to be good.